I am I am I am… Esther

Multiple people have called her crazy, some have said she needed to just do something to get her life together. But what they didn’t realize was, they are just like Esther. Yes, I have never been in an asylum, I have never experienced a lot of what she did, and I’m sure you haven’t either, but look a little deeper. Do you know who you are? Neither does Esther! She’s trying to find her identity desperately by being validated by those around her. But no one gives her a chance to choose. And she can’t live up to their standards of perfect no matter how hard she tries. Are you that side of Esther? The over achiever, the straight A student, the one good at receiving scholarships? If you don’t succeed, you are invisible to those around you, you are a disappointment? Esther felt that way too.

Perhaps you hide behind the makeup and glamor like Esther does in the beginning of the novel. You have too many imperfections to get rid of, so you cover them up. You pound on the makeup, or drink away the pain, and get yourself in situations that you wish you could get out of but don’t know how. Esther is the same way. She ends up hard core third wheeling with Doreen, who she really doesn’t even like at the beginning of the book. She tries to associate herself with this gorgeous, “popular” girl that everyone wants. If Esther can reach the perfection that she believes Doreen has, maybe the hole in her heart will be filled. “If I could have that hair color, that size nose, and that body type, then everyone will like me”. Ladies, I especially look to you when I ask, how many of you have thought like that? That is Esther.

Or maybe you are the “care-free” Esther. You are the one who got sick of trying so hard for perfection and always failing, so you stopped caring. You shut yourself up in your room and shut out the rest of the world. Why did you do this? The answer is simple really; you can’t fail if you never try. That’s one reason Esther contemplates taking her own life. And maybe you have never experienced those thoughts, but everyone hits a wall where the pressure is too much and you just stop caring. Even if it’s just for a moment, in that moment you are just like Esther.

Call her crazy, say that you could never understand how she could have such horrifying thoughts. Question why she allows herself to live such a depressing life, and why she doesn’t just change her circumstances. But before you do, ask yourself, am I really any different from Esther?

I am I am I am… Esther.

~Lily

Fig Trees and Telephone Poles

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.” This thought that Esther has in The Bell Jar really made me think. As it is my senior year in high school, I am supposed to have my future figured out. But similar to Esther, when I look at my future I see multiple paths that could work perfectly for me. They would all be so different. Each would give me exactly what I want, but none can exist together. I am forced to choose one path, and pray and hope with everything in me that it is the right one. I think Esther is giving in to the stress of trying to figure out which one to choose. The idea of possibly being unhappy is too much for her to handle. So instead of that she is driving herself to that unhappiness now. The logic really is nonexistent, but in her mind, she is putting off the pain of the future by enduring it now.

She also compares her life to telephone poles around a road. In her mind she can only see nineteen, she can’t see a single one beyond it. This also shows that her indecision about who she is is consuming her. In fact, it is taking over her so much that she can’t even see a future for herself. Since this novel is somewhat a biography of the life of Sylvia Plath, this thought might describe the depression that Plath felt. These might even be the types of thoughts that led her to her suicide.

For Esther, the future is too much for her. As a senior, I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t want to see any more telephone poles past my eighteenth, simply because I don’t want to leave behind all that I’ve known. Since freshman year, all of us have been feeling the pressure of deciding who we are going to be when we leave Hockinson behind. But, unlike Esther, we have had a loving community to help us grow. We have had people who loves us, friends, counselors, and teachers that have guided us through our high school years and that want us to succeed. I am so thankful for that. And even though sometimes it feels like I need to know exactly who I need to be, I know that I have plenty of time to figure it out, and it’s okay to change my mind. I have hope for the future, and I believe in thinking about who she is, hope is what Esther is lacking the most.

~Lily

The Struggle Is Real – Who Are We?

While I don’t believe I’m far enough along in The Bell Jar to connect this to Esther’s character, I do think that identity is a funny thing. It seems that in real life and in literature, everyone in the world spends their entire lives (or stories) trying to find out who they are. For instance, Harry Potter goes from a bullied orphan boy to The Boy Who Lived, to the one who beat Voldemort and death itself. He is being constantly defined by those around him, while ultimately trying to find who he actually is. Another example is Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. The difference between her and Harry Potter is that she believes she already knows who she is. She is set in her beliefs, and in her opinions of others. Elizabeth sees herself as a discerning person, who can see through anyone and anything. But as her story unfolds some things about her change, and a new identity is revealed to her. At first she is pinned as the “prejudice” referred to in the title for her initial attitude toward Mr. Darcy. But eventually she finds herself thinking in a new light, and a new identity is given to her, as her prejudice turns to love. Both of these characters went through things that ultimately resulted in finding their identity, or a new form of it. While one was more direct than the other, it is clear that just like in real life, many characters have the struggle of discovering who they are. And the struggle is so real, because everyone is constantly changing. Characters in books grow just as we grow. And as we’re constantly evolving and growing into different versions of ourselves, how can we ever know who we really are?

A Bad Start

I walked into the high school, eyes wide, feeling the full force of my anxiety about my first day in this building. There were no familiar faces waiting past the front doors, there was no one at all actually. I was there for zero period, auditioning for jazz band. It was far less horrific than I had imagined, and I went from getting over the nerves of one class period, to gaining more for the next. My first period class was Wind Ensemble. I had made it in as a freshman, which was unusual. The idea of being with all upperclassmen scared me to death, but that too was easier than expected. Second and third period were fantastic since I had plenty of friends in both classes. Fourth period Spanish was the same way, not too bad. I had friends, and I was excited to learn how to speak Spanish. Fifth period was PE, which was naturally awful, because it’s PE. But thankfully after fifth came lunch. I had made it through the first part of my day in nothing flat and had only two class periods left. For sixth and seventh I had SET, which is Science and English together. I had never heard of my English teacher, but unfortunately, I had heard far too much about my science teacher.

Both of my sisters had had her. My oldest sister was a preppy cheerleader who always talked in class. The fact that she never paid attention really irked this teacher, and Vivian was clearly not one of her favorite students. My other sister, Sylvie, went through a rough patch her junior year, which is when she had this teacher. Sylvie tended to sleep through class and not really care about school. She too was not a favorite of this teacher. I knew the moment I saw her name on my schedule that I was in trouble, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t judge me because of my sisters. I walked into SET and took my seat in alphabetical order next to my long time friend Lawrence Rech. We were talking and laughing as the teachers made their way around the room introducing themselves to each student individually. I saw someone cross in front of me out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head and smiled wide. It was her, my science teacher. She looked down at her clipboard, looked at me, back at her clipboard, and then again at me. And with a forced smile, and her teeth clenched she said, “Oh, you’re a Quintana.” From that alone I knew, we were off to a bad start.

~Lily

Silence and Weakness – Why Do We Find Them “So Attractive”?

Every girl dreams of that perfect boy she’s going to meet. Cinderella teaches us to look for a “Prince Charming” and Romeo and Juliet gives the desire for a Romeo. But as I really thought about both of these men, I realized different qualities about them that make them extremely unattractive. I would never want these qualities in the man I spend the rest of my life with. I mean, seriously, when do you ever see Prince Charming talk to Cinderella? They never even speak yet somehow fall in love. That’s impossible. Call it love at first sight, or whatever you want, but if I were Prince Charming I would wonder why Cinderella ever fell for me when I never said two words to her! Yes, I’ve never been in a relationship, but even I am aware that communication is key. So please, don’t be a Prince Charming, use your words.

But even worse than Prince Charming is Romeo. Once again, there is the whole “love at first sight” issue. But worse than that, Romeo isn’t even strong enough to continue on in his life when he discovers that Juliet is “dead”. He immediately wants to kill himself for a girl he’s known for like a week! That’s ridiculous. I don’t know about you, ladies, but I want a man strong enough to continue on in his life, if he ever loses me. Yes, I would want him to miss me. But, if I truly loved him, I would want him to move on and have a good life. And if he truly loved me, he would do that. True love is not killing yourself because the one you love is dead. That is being truly pathetic.

So ladies, please, do not lower your standards and go looking for Prince Charming or Romeo. You deserve someone stronger and better than either of those iconic men. You deserve someone who will love talking to you, and who can persevere through tragedy. And guys, do not ever strive to be like Romeo or Prince Charming. If you care about her enough, you’ll use your words, and you’ll press on through everything that comes your way.

I suppose it’s possible that I may be the only girl in the world who feels this way. But if that’s the case then good! You all can have your “Romeos” and “Prince Charmings”. I don’t want them!

~Lily

The Fantasy Angle

Growing up it seems that everyone is searching. They’re searching for who they’re meant to be, what they’re purpose is. Searching for that perfect life, a way to change the world. We don’t want anyone to tell us who to be, yet we ourselves don’t have the power to know either. We go through living normal lives wanting something more. We want a prince charming to sweep us off our feet, we want a tragedy that actually has a happy ending. We long for the opportunity to land our dream job, to go through persecution and end up on top of the bullies that beat us to the ground. And that’s why we read. We read to experience things that others have, things that we long for. Reading becomes not only an escape from our everyday lives, but it becomes a fantasy land where we can be whoever we want in the story.

Personally when I read I try to find the character that is most similar to myself, and imagine how I would be in their position in life. For example, every time I read Pride and Prejudice I see myself as Elizabeth Bennet. The sassy character, who doesn’t care what people think of her. The girl with the “fine eyes” that makes such an impression on the rich, proud Mr. Darcy. I envision myself as Elizabeth because I wish I was more like her in my own life. I wish I could defy others’ wishes so that my own would come true. I wish that I would be enchanting enough to catch the attention of my own Mr. Darcy. I long to be someone like Elizabeth Bennet, and reading about her helps me to achieve that, even just for the span of 400 pages. It’s worth it, being able to live in my daydreams, even for that short amount of time.

I also read to experience things that I have not had the chance to yet. For instance, I read romance novels because, while the romance in my friends’ lives is so abundant, my own love story has yet to begin. And I am in fact okay with believing myself to be forever alone in high school because, I figure that, if there are so many books about it, romantic love must exist. For years, hundreds of different authors have composed pieces describing heartbreak that leads to new love, or a love that defies any pain or trial. I read to live the life of a girl falling in love. It’s a nice daydream to escape to.

As humans, we are never full satisfied. “The grass is always greener” people say. And maybe it is. Maybe if I actually was Elizabeth Bennet I would wish I was reading a story about Lily Rose, a high school band kid and cheerleader. But since I will never know for sure, I am content with reading to go to my fantasy world where I can do whatever I want and be whoever I choose.

~Lily

The Beginning of the End

I know that high school is a short part of life, and in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter as much as I think it does. However, right now it is all that matters. Being successful, making memories and escaping needless drama is all I can focus on. And I think that’s okay. In fact, I’m most looking forward to being able to focus on the difficult simplicity of high school for the last year.

Yes, I did just describe high school using both difficult and simple. But while it is difficult in many ways, in comparison to what we’re going to face after high school, it’s simple. Problems we face in high school are predictable and manageable. While they seem so large and so difficult, in reality, they are troubles faced by others every day. This is the last year I will have my amazing group of friends just five minutes away to help me if I need them. This is the last year that I’ll know exactly how to get everywhere around my tiny little hometown. This is the last year of familiarity, and I look forward to reveling in it.

Which is why I’m extremely nervous for the end of high school. This week marks the beginning of the end of all that I’m used to, all that I’m familiar with. Once the end hits, I don’t know how I’m going to take it. The water works will be a common occurrence. I mean really, how can one prepare for the day that they will be leaving the people they have known since the first grade? I have lived life with these same kids for twelve years. We’ve grown up together, we’ve made each other who we are, and now it’s time to leave. More than anything I’m scared to say goodbye.

This year makes me feel a little bipolar. Sometimes I’m thrilled with being a senior, being at the top of the school, feeling free to do whatever I want and to not care what other people think. I’m excited for the adventures I’m going to have and the memories I’m going to make. But on the other hand, every moment is a little sad, knowing it’s another “last”. Tomorrow is my last first football game. I’ve already had my last band camp, last first day of school, last summer as a child. This whole “beginning of the end” is really hard to handle sometimes. But I know that when high school ends, something else will begin. And maybe, just maybe, it will be better than high school! If that’s possible…

~Lily

Doors Can Be Misleading

Admit it, you have made the mistake of trying to open a door the wrong way. You have pushed a pull door, or pulled a push door. You have felt the shame and embarrassment as you quickly look around, making sure no one saw your mistake. “I do know how to read signs,” you swear to yourself. And for the rest of the day you are very aware of signs that classify how doors open. But, has a door ever lied to you? It was a new experience for me, that just occurred yesterday.

My friend Leah and I went to the mall. We were entering through a random side door of Sears. There was no one around but the two of us. Because of my brisk walking pace I was two steps in front of Leah, thus being the first one to reach the door. There was a yellow sticker placed strategically at eye level on the glass reading “Automatic Door, Caution”. Thinking I was being so clever for noticing the sign, I paused, waiting for the doors to fly open. When they didn’t, I laughed nervously, feeling the embarrassment of being tricked by a door. I reached my hand out and pulled on the handle. When nothing happened, I quickly realized my mistake and pushed. The door opened smoothly and I confidently stepped through, positive that no one had noticed my blunder. But, to my dismay, a Sears employee was walking towards us. He grinned at me and said “It’s a push” and snickered to himself. I sputtered in disbelief and looked at Leah in shock. Not only was I duped by a door, but a Sears employee was openly mocking me for it. Needless to say I was completely mortified. All in all, this experience was quite scarring, and from now on I believe I will be suffering from “door-opening anxiety”. But I learned a valuable lesson; doors can be rather misleading.